In mourning. Wracked with guilt.

[Lisa7210]

My girl Tahlula (cat) passed in March of 2021. She was only 11. Indoor cat. Healthy, until she started doing this dry heaving thing a month or two before March, thought maybe a fur ball but nothing ever came up when she did this the few times she was suddenly doing it. She wasn't a cat that threw up allot. Then I noticed her usual behavior was off. She was my cat and so I would notice these things where my husband didn't. Then suddenly I noticed she stopped eating, or became more fussy. I made an appointment with the vet, which because of covid I had to wait a few weeks to get her in but it didn't seem like a huge emergency. Until about a week later. She was laying on my son's bed .. Drool was coming out of the corner of her mouth and she felt warm so I immediately got her into the vet. Her blood work was bad and she had a fever. Dr thought maybe cancer. They put her on a antibiotic and I took her home. She didn't really improve and still wasn't eating. Took her back the next Tuesday, they did an x-ray. Couldn't find anything, took her for an ultrasound still couldn't find anything. Put her on a Prednisone, didn't do anything for her. I syringed blended watered down food into her and also baby food. She just was lying on my son's bed. They tested her for HIV, leukemia,..I never got an answer to what was wrong with her. I was told it could be this thing, I can't even remember what it's called now, there is not medication that is legally out there. It can be bought on the black market but it's expensive and not easy to give the cat. The only way to find out if they have it is if they biopsy their tissue which would have required an operation. I made the decision to say goodbye to her. Now I'm left not knowing what was wrong and all these what ifs. I feel like I gave up on her to soon. It feels like just yesterday it happened. I hate myself for not trying longer.... Maybe if I had just kept syringing the food into her she would have gotten better. I'm just feeling awful and needed to vent so thanks for listening. I feel I will live with this deep regret and guilt forever. It's awful.

 

[mechi2]

So sorry about your loss. No matter what decision you would have made you still would have felt guilty, guilty you made her suffer too long or guilty you put her down too soon. I've been there, and now again facing the decision with my 16 year old chihuahua.

 

[TTouch]

I am so sorry for your loss, however what you are feeling is normal grief of losing your Tahlula which we humans all go through what you have to remind yourself is that you did the best you could at that time ( as did the Vet) for her, you didn't want her to suffer and made a very hard decision for her benefit (not yours) and she would be thanking you for that decision, not to let her suffer.

It takes people time to work through the stages of grief and it is painful and because we are humans always want an answer as to 'why', 'what else could I/should I have done', 'is there something out there that would save her' and 'who can I blame' however sometimes there is no answer to those questions, it was Tahlula time to go and because you loved her and wanted what was best for her you made it as easy as possible for her to do that.

 

[amanfromnowhere]

I am sobbing like mad reading this. I came here for help and read this. Cant even cry infront of my kid. Whatever ur choice was, it was. I had kitty only for six or less months and it was both indoor and outdoor. I feel guilty for letting it go out and cry everynight now. But all we can do is hope our pets are in a better place. I promised myself ill never get a cat again cause if this pain. But i want another one that i can do justice to. Its our nature to nurture and love.

 

[linda2147]

I have three cats that I don't let go outside but I do have two catios that hang in the window like a window air conditioner, it has a door on the inside of the house on a magnet they can push to go in or out and its all caged in on the outside so they can go out but not out enough to get hurt or for anything to hurt them, you might think of getting on of these if you do get another cat.

 

[amanfromnowhere]

If i get another kitty, ill do everything to keep her inside and give my soul to it. We will die together.