The feelings depression, guilt and emptiness

dko

New member
Joined
Apr 11, 2021
After my rescued dog Daisy passed away last July I had months of depression, guilt and emptiness. I rescued Daisy in 2006 after she had been hit by a car. She was scheduled to be put to sleep when I found the vet that had her. The story of how she came into my life is one of more than coincidence. I was on my way home from a friends house and at the last minute turned down a side street to stop at the grocery. I had to slow down for a police car on the side of the road. I glanced over as I passed by and saw a woman holding down a small white dog. The dog had it's head raised and we made eye contact. I thought about that dog all night, I had been thinking about getting one. The next morning when I got to work I started calling vet offices. The second one I called had her and they told me she had a broken leg and her owner no longer wanted her. She was scheduled to be put to sleep within a few hours. I left work and picked her up, I had to take her to a specialist to have a pin put in her leg.
Daisy was not a perfect dog but she was perfect for me. She slept with me every night and hardly ever left my side, she was an American Eskimo mix. She loved to bark, she always let me know me know when she saw something. I knew her different barks very well, she had a different one for animal or human. She was very territorial and did not like anything in her yard. I bought the house I am in now with her in mind. It has a big fenced in back yard and was a good place for her to run and play. I rescued another dog in 2007 to keep her company while I was at work. At first she was not happy but they became close. There were a few fights, Daisy was the boss and Fonzie would get tired of being pushed around. It not really what you would call a fight, it was more of them yelling at each other. There was never any biting or anything like that, they would start barking loud in each others face.
Daisy was always so happy when I would get home from work, she would bark and jump around so excited. When I would pull into the carport I could see her through the door barking and standing with her paws on the door. She also loved to go on car rides and would run down the stairs full blast barking. There were times I had trouble getting her to stand still so I could get the leach on her. Fonzie would just stand there, he is very laid back.
The last few years were not easy for Daisy. She developed arthritis in her front legs and I took her for laser therapy 3 times a week. I built ramps for her so she could get on the couch and the bed. I carried her up and down stairs to the back yard and anywhere else in the house she wanted to go. I would have carried here anywhere and done anything in the world for her.
Daisy fell off of the couch last July and hurt her back. I was working in my office when I heard something and I ran down the stairs. I saw her on her back trying to get turned over and started crying when I got to her. I was so scared and did not know what she had done, she would not stand on her back legs. I rushed her to the vet and they gave her a steroid shot and sent her home. I slept on the floor next to her the next 3 nights incase she needed something. She did not get better so I took her back to the vet and planned on taking her for an MRI. I had to leave her at the vets so they could do blood tests and take more xrays. They called and told me her kidney's had stopped working. I broke down and cried so much and just fell apart.
The following days I was so depressed and felt so guilty. The house felt so empty without her here. Two nights after she passed away I woke up to see Daisy setting on the bed watching me. She disappeared when I sat up, it startled me to see her. A couple of night later I saw her again, but it was not her complete form like the last night. Since then she has appeared several more times. One time when I was calling Fonzie to go outside I saw her get out of one of the dog beds and run after him.
I miss Daisy so much and the depression is still with me. I cared so much about her and she was my shinning light. When I would come home it always made me feel good to see her so happy I was there. When I would watch tv at night she would be sleeping on the arm rest of the couch next to me. She would raise her paw to let me know when she wanted attention. I loved her with all of my heart. I had a connection with her that I have never had with another dog, she was number 5.
Over the last few months I have talked with 4 animal communicators. I had to do something to help ease the guilt. I felt like I did not take good enough care of her and thought about all of the mistakes I had made. All 4 of them told me similar things about Daisy. One of them told me Daisy saw her pictures in black frames and that she was beautiful. I did frame several of her pictures and have them next to my bed, and they are in black frames. She also said I had a painting made of her, I did have a large picture made that looks like a painting. All 4 of them told me Daisy is still very much with me and will let me see her from time to time. She goes places with me and will always be around. Talking with them did help me some.
I miss Daisy so very much. I hope with my time comes she is there for me and I am with her again. She was so important to me and I really did do everything I could for her over the years. I cut the legs of off the bed so it would be closer to the floor. I tied up the cords on the wood blinds because I was scared she would get tangled in them. When she saw a dog outside she would go nuts and jump around barking on the back of the couch, while looking out one of the windows. If I took my dogs anywhere with me I always took food and water. If anything happened they were not going to go hungry, I did not care if I did but they were not.
My guilt has eased some. I still have Fonzie and he is doing good. If I was so bad he would not be running around like he is. I know Daisy's problems were probably inherited and I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I still cry every day over her. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. In my crazy head I have been around if Daisy sees me happy she will not think I need her anymore and go away. I have been so scared that I will lose her forever. I know that is probably silly. She loved me as much as I loved her. I miss her kissing me on the cheek when I would pick her up in the to carry her down the stairs. She always tried to help me by jumping a little when I would pick her up.
I have also been scared that over time she is going to fade from my memories. I hope I never forget anything about her.
 

linda2147

Active member
Joined
Mar 13, 2014
Location
New Hampshire
you are not going to forget her, she lives on in your heart and memories. Its never easy to loose a beloved pet but we've all been there. Several years ago I took in a rescue german shepherd she had been badly abused and left in a crate for eighteen months. I wasn't looking for another dog but I couldn't turn her away. After months of working with her I got her about as good as she'd ever be.; She was never a normal shepherd but we made it work. After only a few years she developed lymphoma I was devastated but took her home to care for her. Only five weeks after she was diagnosed I had to have her put down. The lumps in her throat had grown overnight and when I took her to the vet he said she'd strangle on the lumps and I didn't want that for her. So I had to let her go. I know I did the best I could for her but it still hurts to think of that poor girl, she never caught a break ,
 

TTouch

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2021
What you are feeling is grief for the loss of your dog and that is very normal. What you need to remember is grieving takes time, it is an essential part of healing and accepting.
You gave Daisy a 'second' chance and all the care and love she deserved and you both benefited, what you also know is when you are ready you still have all that love to offer and the opportunity again to have the same type of bond with your next pup and Daisy will still be with you always as she is well and truely established in your heart.

A quote I love is
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

It takes people different times before they can open their hearts again and allow the release of grief, it took me 3 yrs to get a new pup and only now can I even think/talk/write about losing my beloved dog 'Teale' and the day I got my new 8 week old BC I was suddenly overwhelmed with grief again as if I was sort of 'abandoning' Teale or 'replacing' her which I could never do and not possible anyway, but it took me another two weeks before I would even 'name' my new pup.
 

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